WC Fields described Cheltenham week perfectly when he said "horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people".
It's that time of the year when everyone is an expert.
Everybody has a tip, a sure thing, a money-maker.
Monday
Otherwise known as 'study day'. This is the day when those who don't know their Sprinter Sacres from their Red Rums sit down and 'study the form'. It's like the night before an exam cramming years worth of knowledge into one evening’s work.
Studying the form can mean a multitude of things to the 'experts':
- Buy the Racing Post (the racing Bible) and you’re almost in the winners' enclosure as it has the best tips and infinite information about every horse.
- Visit the At The Races website clicking on the 'Timeform' icon. It tips the top 3 places, and these guys are doing this for a living so it's a foolproof money-maker.
- Oddschecker gives you the value, what firm to place your carefully chosen stake on, and increase profits because of course they're all going to hose in.
- All of this study is for one day only, though. The first - and best - day, when the Cheltenham roar goes up and everyone is ready to go bonkers. Tuesday at 1.30 can't come quick enough.
Tuesday
This is the big one. You get up early making your way to the shop to get your paper of choice with the best free bet in it, and the biggest card to put on your kitchen table at home.
While getting the paper you might offer the shopkeeper a little advice on one of the races despite the fact that your reasoning is that you know a fella that saw the horse in the field and that's good enough for you.
You stroll down the street, paper under your arm making sure you're seen walking into the bookies. When in there, it's straight for the pen and paper, make sure you are seen to mean business.
You stroll up to the race card on the wall and start looking. At this point you're writing down your picks from the night previous when the local publican/unemployed fella walks up beside you and asks who you have today.
With your chest stuck out you tell him all your 'certs'. He listens and then ridicules every pick you made, laughs your hours of study away. This is when The Fear creeps in.
Is he right, are they all just going to fill the bookies satchel? You panic and change all of your picks and your confidence is sky-high with the new selections; this guy knows his stuff.
You decided the night before that you were going €20 each-way on all of your bets, and you'd still be able to go out after regardless. You've saved up for this week since Christmas, didn't even stir last weekend.
You meet the cashier and with a swagger fire fifties on to the counter before carefully placing your betting slips in your back pocket - my investments will be close at hand when I hear 'winner alright, winner alright'.
Wednesday
Why did I change my bets? Day one done and you're on a fast-track to the poor house already. Why did I listen to the local hard-luck story? Two fallers and two out-of-the-money, not that my originals fared any better - but at least I would have lost with dignity.
My bankroll and my confidence have taken a massive hit and with a distinct lack of preparation time you get worried and start to take into account what the tipsters are saying.
Generally you pick four races today, two selected by the tipsters and two by yourself. Not half as confident as yesterday and yet your wager is doubled. You place the bet online with one of the big-wig betting companies.
You wait, you hope, you pray and deep down you doubt.
Thursday
One winner and I know my luck is up. Confidence restored, pride intact and the optimism of Monday has returned. Today is my big day, it always has been. The first two were poor racing anyway, it was impossible to make profit.
Six picks today and in the bookies. Beamed with pride telling the eternal loser my tips and he agreed. Today is really looking up. RTÉ player at the ready and Attheraces loaded, I'm going to witness my fortune coming together. Have goose pimples thinking about what I'm going to buy with my winnings. Cannot wait, this is going to be epic.
Friday
No wins yesterday, no bets today. I know nothing about horses. Horses don't bet on people and that's why this person will never bet on horses again (although getting out of this online account is proving difficult).
Till next year, Cheltenham.
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